Ruth
I had depression caused by stress in a previous job. I had to see the "local" work quack who was 1/2 drive away. Having to see them in work time I had to be away from my desk for 2 hours. The 1 hour with them was "get used to it, or get another job". I had to do two hours extra that night as no one covered me when I was away!
Having lots of tablets, counselling etc I decided to get another job and not take that one so seriously - if they fired me then I was out of the situation :)
Having hit the bottle a bit in this stage of my life, some people could have called AA for me - just for the night / early morning time.
There was only work for me, no(t much) other social life. This was a major problem. I found that its only YOU who needs to pick yourself up. Having "been there, done that" I can see the problems other have, and a "just pick yourself up" is what is *really* needed but is not received nicely! I do know.
The wife has tablets as there is clinical depression caused by a malfunction of glands/hormones. Its now working fine, but it actually takes a long ( years not months ) time to actually be ready to come off the tables ( why ? Don't ask me I'm not a doctor! )
I would know you from IpLUG but I was not there this month.
I would like a coffee, but have wife/kids/wurk !! Some have little spare time, so please excuse me.
Take care and I should see you in July at the IpLUG meeting.
Regards
Keith
-----Original Message----- From: main-bounces@lists.alug.org.uk [mailto:main-bounces@lists.alug.org.uk] On Behalf Of Ruth Bygrave Sent: 23 June 2007 03:11 To: ALUG; suffolkmug@googlegroups.com Subject: [ALUG] Bingo! How to solve my social isolation problem,Ipswich-style!
Sorry about the vent here, but try to follow it along if you can!
On 22 Jun 2007, at 18:43, elc wrote:
No - still unable to gain entry. I'm now about to do major surgery, overinstall or re-install, since I have nothing to lose. However, many thanks for trying to resolve my probs.
(gigglegiggle)
This sort of conversation always strikes me as the weakness of the Linux Way from the viewpoint of a Mac user.
Unfortunately, the obverse of that is that when you ask a large roomful of Mac users of varied experience, all of whom have used Mac/ OSX for all their lives, how to fix your minor noddy problem since you're new to the Mac after using Windows for 20 years, you get the following responses: a) "Eh?" b) "What?" c) "But File & Print Sharing on a mixed network Just Works: d) "Apple's British keyboard is the standard layout" e) "I am a professional graphic designer or photographer like Mike. I am prepared to 'let you in' as somebody who knows about different stuff to me, and I am actually quite good at meeting a range of different abilities and interests on the social level, but I am completely unable to grasp quite how arrogant it seems to you that nobody in Suffolk Mac User Group can do a bit of basic validating of your experience to give you a bit of a leg-up considering you're a bit isolated, so I'll continue my own approach of chatting casually about my range of stuff instead." f) "I am somebody's Mum or Dad or auntie or something. I'm using Macs because lots of people I know uses Macs, so I can use the local user group to say, 'I've got a problem with this at a silly beginner level, anyone want to help?' I can see that Ruth has been trying to come to meetings and get something out of it, but I can't quite grasp the point she's trying to make, probably because I am silly. I also don't realise quite how frustrated she's getting at her lack of ever having a job in 20 years, and how she feels she is banging her head against a brick wall trying to remember to come to monthly meetings only to find she doesn't quite meet somebody she 'clicks' with casually, and now she has to start steadily paying £3 a month to come to every meeting, on top of the £10 train fare a month she's paying to go to Norwich every month to see if she can solve the isolation problem that way and the £30 she is paying to go to the London Mac users group every month and the membership fee for the London Mac users group (about £30 pa), and because she can't quite see where the problem is (depression) she is giving herself a hard time about asking her boyfriend for this many handouts a month and bashing away at it" "I am Simon. The first time you hit a really severe noddy-level ignorance problem with not knowing enough about the Mac's approach and how to tinker, I will be able to solve it instantly as soon as you ask. I come across as a bit of a geek, playful hobbyist/tinkerer, like you, but I've been in a 'Mac' environment all my life like the people here, so I won't necessarily realise quite how much of a problem you've had socially for the past 20 years which is why you're focusing so obsessively on finding a local switcher-type like you." -------------------------------------------
So after trying to solve the isolation problem by continually bashing away at user groups in the hope of finding someone, anyone, I feel I 'click' with, I finally realise that the problem I had was depression, I've actually been trying ever so hard to solve it, but now I realise what to do I can fix it!
If there's anybody listening out there in the ALUG context or the SMUG context who's ever struggled with long-term depression, I'd love to have long conversations about how you cope without 'sliding' back into a quietly-miserable state and not even trying.
Because I feel that after 20 years of trying to solve the problem by my own efforts, I can finally see a way out of it, and I'm desperately afraid that at some point in the future I'll drop out of touch with people and something Big and Bad will happen to me and I will crash and burn.
Because over those 20 years of struggling, I couldn't quite see why I kept setting myself lower and lower manageable goals and failing to meet them, and then giving myself a hard time and setting my sights lower, and I couldn't quite see how everyone who loved me *poured* love and support into helping me and I was so ungrateful I couldn't even manage the last manageable goals I had left, which were 'do the housework, any housework, consistently every day for six weeks, which will give me enough confidence to start asking for Fun Presents while I'm struggling' and 'learn to manage money, because Adrian is rich and doesn't mind buying me stuff at all, but he'd better have some evidence that I'm actually trying, because he's lived with me for I- forget-how-long and he's going to realise what an ungrateful cow I am and leave me'.
I forgot to give myself credit for all the effort I'd poured into Solving My Problems Myself With Help From Others over the last 20 years, and kept bashing myself over the head with it, because this suggested to me that a) Nothing Big and Bad has ever happened to me over the years to justify having depression b) I was a lazy slacker waste-of-space because every time somebody gave me a leg up I'd start to see a way out, and then I'd fail and get discouraged, and I didn't quite realise how cumulative problems worked.
I didn't realise that the thing I couldn't do by my own efforts was give myself credit for the effort and add that to my 'lifetime's achievements', rather than lower my goals
---------------------------------------- Short-term goal, this week: Somebody in Ipswich, anybody, who feels prepared to help me with my depression if I put enough work in, who manages to get to the end of this demented ramble and either a) e-mails me personally with a long chatty e-mail to say they can see what the problem is and they're willing to help, particularly with the 'coping with depression and not backsliding' bit and the 'breaking out of long-term entrenched bad thought-patterns' bit. This is the 'someone local with more free time than spare money' option.
It's because the 'lowest achievable goal' I finally set myself after 'somebody who's prepared to come over to my house every so often and talk about dealing with depression when you've had it long-term for 20 years' was 'somebody who's prepared to meet me for coffee or a drink and can stand to be in the same room as me'. And I kept thinking I'd succeeded at it, and then realising I'd failed again and there was another failure to add to the stack.
or b) Rings me up on 01473 434970 during the day in the next week and says, "I can see what your problem is. I 'know' you from SMUG/ALUG. I can give you Instant Validation Now Now Now that I read right to the end of your e-mail carefully. I'm then prepared to write you a longer e-mail response when I have time over the next few weeks". This is the 'I have more free money than free time' option, and it will give me permission to wait for people to write back slowly without getting discouraged and starting to give up.
Either of these two options will give me Huge Validation (out of all proportion to how easy it is for somebody else to do) that I'm worth waiting for while I struggle, and that somebody out there who 'doesn't know me yet' is willing to listen!
Regards, Ruth _______________________________________________ main@lists.alug.org.uk http://www.alug.org.uk/ http://lists.alug.org.uk/mailman/listinfo/main Unsubscribe? See message headers or the web site above!